That was my big line in a high school play.
It’s also the reality of my life.
For some reason, our house is often bereft of food.
The soymilk has the obligatory half swallow G or I leave for the other after using almost all the milk on our own cereal.
Yes that’s a take out packet of soy sauce, what of it?
Oh, you want to know what’s in the paper bags? Well. I’m not sure what’s on the top shelf. The bag on the second shelf holds 1, count it, 1 mushroom. Sad mushroom.
Sad orange. The only produce we have. Just kidding. We have a bag of brussels sprouts! I love brussels sprouts. Not everyone in this house does.
What’s that you say? I must have some good frozen Trader Joe’s meals in the freezer, right?
Wrong. All I have in my freezer is … ice. Ice is not food. Ok, I have one frozen flatbread. And a dish towel. Don’t ask.
Hmmm, well maybe I have some canned soup? Canned soup certainly helps out in a pinch doesn’t it? Thank goodness it never goes bad, right? You can always have it on hand!
Um. Wrong again. I have canned corn. And mushy crackers. And tea. And yes, that’s a bottle of tequila. I have oatmeal. But we have already eaten oatmeal for one meal today. You can only take so much oatmeal.
Well. That’s quite pathetic, isn’t it?
What would YOU cook with what I’ve shown you? What’s that? You say you’d just go to the grocery like a grown up?
Well, you’ll have to excuse me. I’m going to go make a canned corn, brussel sprout, tequila flavored flatbread wrap.
No, I’m not. We went out for lunch.
That’s the perk of having nothing in your pantry.